What I found

Somewhere deep far away I see him. The restaurant is loud amongst the buzz of the evening, but to me, it feels quiet. 

I feel him before I see him. His calm presence filling the air, his kind gaze floating around the room and his warm smile flashing.

For a moment, I am still. A calmness going through me which I have never felt before. Safe. Familiar.

So familiar a smile curls on my lips, the way it does when you first recognise a loved one in a crowd.

Then, she appears. 

A woman radiant and glowing, steps into view and greets him. I feel his energy shift. 

The calm gives way to boyish giddiness as she embraces him.

The woman is beautiful. Stunning. A gold dress clings to her like stardust, thick long hair cascading over her shoulders. Her eyes and facial features are emphasised by the stunning make up she has on.

Every part of her sparkles. 

They take a seat at the table facing one another. His gaze doesn’t leave her. Mesmerised. Like he is taken back by her beauty. 

They engage in what appears to be small take before he calls the waiter over and says something.

Then the waiter leaves, he turns his full attention onto her and appears to ask her something. 

Perhaps about her day or journey here. But whatever it is he it is, he focuses on her like she is the only one who exists. 

They appear to share a joke and he throws his head back in laughter.

It’s not just his face which lights up when he laughs, it’s his eyes too dancing like stars through a night sky. 

I try to look away. I don’t want to intrude. But something keeps me there – perhaps longing. Or perhaps the familiarity of the pain.

I exhale, my eyes glance down. 

My time ends here I think.

I call the waiter over and settle my bill. I glance once more in their direction. He’s holding her hand now. Drawing soft circles with his thumb – comforting, grounding and loving. 

With the sharp pain in my heart, I walk towards the door and out of the restaurant.

It’s a warm summer night. I feel the air embrace me almost as if it is trying to comfort me. Hold me.

Like someone saying, I’m here. I choose you. For a moment it works – I feel less invisible. Held. 

I continue walking towards the city lights. 

No more hope. No more questioning. Just a quiet, heavy acceptance. It didn’t come roaring. It wasn’t loud or tearful. But like a gentle nod when you are agreeing with what someone is saying.

I am not her.

And I never will be.

I am me. 

He was looking for perfect, for beauty that is polished and effortless. 

And he wasn’t going to find that here. I used to think that meant I wasn’t good enough. Tonight, I realise it just means I carry something different. I am someone different. 

He found his beautiful girl and he seems happy.

What he would have found here would have been different.

What he would have found here… was a girl trying to find herself.

A girl learning to love herself.

To soothe herself. 

To stay with herself.

He would have also found cracks. Not brokenness but cracks where the pain once was buried. Cracks where the self-doubt sometimes still seeps through.

Just a girl trying to make sense of love and relationships – scared but still trying. 

He would have found a lot of love here. Unconditional. Fierce. Loyal. 

He would have found his biggest cheerleader here.

Someone who would have supported him through the tough times.

Someone who would have believed in him even before he believed in himself.

Someone who would have pushed him towards his goals and dreams when the self-doubt crept in.

Someone who would have walked alongside him hand in hand as a team. Give and take.

As I walk towards my destination, I can’t help but wonder that maybe he found all those things in her. 

And maybe, now it’s time to find those things in myself.