Dear perfectionism,

Dear perfectionism, 

You can step back now.

The comment, the reaction, the situation which summoned you to come to protect me is has now gone. 

The danger has subsided, and you can too.

And if it ever comes back, I will meet it differently. I am learning how to hold myself. 

I know you came with the best intentions, trying to protect me.

But I held onto that protection fiercely, my inability to let go of you has worn me down.

I never searched for you in others, so why have I clung so tightly to you in myself.

I can’t keep carrying you into every space I walk into.

I’m tired.
I want to let you go.

Truthfully, I am scared to. 
We have been attached for so long, I don’t know who I am without you.

You’ve been my safety blanket when nothing else was there.

But’s it’s too hot in here now.

Your grip is suffocating me. 

You left your mark and now it’s holding me back. 

All those missed opportunities because I feared failure.
All the missed connections because I showed a polished version of me that really wasn’t me.
All the battles I had with myself because I kept raising the bar higher and higher.

Still, you gave me things too.

A drive to grow.
A hunger to learn.
A fierce work ethic.

I just wish you came with a manual which taught me how to use you without feeling exhausted and like I am not enough.

Despite this, I am not angry with you.

And I am not trying to erase you – you are a part of me, and I now accept that.

But you no longer have to be so loud. I can reassure you enough that I am safe, that you no longer show up in my every thought and action.

I still acknowledge you, but I am no longer listening to you.